With the Baby New Year still drooling and spitting up all over us, I started thinking about babies in Second Life. I have stumbled upon some interesting items during my travels around the grid. From maternity clothing to baby furniture to SL pregnancy experience packages and pregnancy shapes, you can find almost everything you need to reproduce in SL.
Several blogs and mainstream media articles have talked about SL pregnancy before – but mostly from the perspective of how to get pregnant, what it was like, even one man’s experience as a pregnant avatar, etc.
But since I don’t have the prim count to spare for a good scripted dog much less a kid, I decided to explore other aspects of the SL pregnancy phenomenon. You see, I have one common goal in SL and RL – and that is to stay un-pregnant. So, this article will help me to; 1) confront prim infants mano-a-mano, and 2) determine just how to how to prevent my SLife from becoming a tragic After School Special -style cautionary tale about SLingle motherhood.
Aiming for Pregcellence
Just how would people treat a SLingle mother in Second Life? To find out, I needed a baby.
By now you may be thinking to yourself, “Where do prim babies come from?” Well, I have to tell you that your father and I have been dreading this moment. [takes a deep breath] When a mommy and daddy avatar love each other very much, they get very, very close to one another…and then one of them logs into OnRez and buys one of the little bastards.
Are you my Daddy?
Having purchased a baby and a little sling to carry him in, I TP’d to the biggest sale I could find on a PG sim in order to locate a crowd.
Many people didn’t notice or didn’t say anything. However, I got a few, “Ummmm…you have a baby,” IM’s (Just as you would let someone know that they have their skirt caught in the back of their pantyhose.) and several, “Oh, how cute!” comments.
One male avatar (whom I had never met – I swear.) was quite interested in Junior – asking where I got him and who the father was. Then, he began insisting that he was the daddy. He even described his penis for me hoping that would trigger my memory. This little encounter ended with me backing up slowly as he came at me with arms outstretched and shouting, “Give me my baby!”
Several people mentioned that they had never seen a baby on the grid, even though they had seen many pregnant avatars. OK - so here is where we pause to wonder what pregnant avatars are doing with their babies once born – are they eating them?
Hmmmm…
What else have I discovered about prim babies? First of all, they are U.G.L.Y. (Mine wouldn’t be, of course, but all the rest are.)
Second, breast feeding animation. There. I said it. I am done here. Good night.
Third - SL birthing centers… *thud* …Wha…where…where am I? Oh…in the middle of a bog post…..?
Want to see what happens at these birthing centers? I have linked to two examples below. Interestingly, both involve lots of particle effects flying out of a soon-to-be-mother’s hoo ha. None of the new parents seemed the least bit surprised or concerned about this. Now, if particle effects flew out of my kitty, I would; a) be terribly surprised, and b) insist on eye protection for the baby.
The Baby Bazooka. No, not for shooting *at* babies – that would be mean. This uses babies as *ammunition*. Atashi’s Art & Oddities
Prophylactic Tactic
By now, you may be thinking to yourself: “How can I, having lost my Second Life V-Card not five minutes after leaving Orientation Island, keep myself from ending up needing a birthing center accidentally?”
Rest assured - we will get to the bottom of this issue. Frankly, I have been frightened. My Second Life boyfriends and I have been terribly irresponsible, really.
Is there birth control on the grid? Are there little prim Pills? Xcite! Vasectomies? And for Pete’s sake – why didn’t someone tell me? Did I miss that tutorial on Help Island? (Shriek!!! Is this why newbies aren’t issued genitals???? OMG!)
I began a search for birth control - exploring every convenience store, medical clinic and night club bathroom in Second Life. I was able to dig up some condoms. But what if SL condoms are not your cup of tea?
Well then, you may want to visit a Gorean sim and avail yourself of some Slave Wine. Supposedly, it is the perfect birth control – never wearing off and easily deactivated by drinking Breeding Wine when desired. It must work - after all you don’t ever see any, “… preggo slaves waddling around,” as I heard one warrior say.
Unfortunately, the Slave Wine option involves lots of reading, research, submitting to a Master, costume buying, hours of role play, etc. And that kind of activity is what got you into the situation of needing birth control in the first place, isn’t it?
One one hand, wishful thinking...on the other hand, more wishful thinking.
In Conclusion...
After all my research, it would appear that the best way to keep from having babies in Second Life is, apparently, the same thing you would do to avoid having a pet dragon live in your house – don’t buy one.
But be careful. Because, thanks to Onrez and SLexchange, you could get knocked up even when the grid is down.
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